The author was recently invited to test a beta version of Microsoft’s new “Avoid the Hood” GPS application for its smart phone. A user is directed away from “bad” neighborhoods by the app. The original version is based on crime statistics. The beta version I was using actually sensed neighborhood occurrences and advised direction changes to avoid driver exposure to crime-ridden streets. A Microsoft representative accompanied the author on the test.
CAHILL: So, the unit just advised I make an abrupt right, which I think is about ninety degrees off from a direct route to where we want to go, and a small figure of Ludacris just flashed on the screen.
MICROSOFT: Right. The unit just detected someone playing hip-hop. You’re advised to avoid.
CAHILL: And now it just made me swerve again.
MICROSOFT: If you’ll look carefully down that side street, you’ll see a Korean man behind the counter of that bodega. (Simulates sound of submarine diving horn) Awoooga! Awoooga! Hood alert! Hood alert!
CAHILL: And now it wants me to go back in the opposite direction, and a burst of gospel music just came out of the app.
MICROSOFT: Right. We’ve just passed a church wear everyone was singing a hymn in key. You won’t find that in a white neighborhood. Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!
CAHILL: We seem to be going south once more. Is that Charles Barkley on the screen?
MICROSOFT: Yup. Playground with a pickup basketball game in progress. We’ll be giving that a wide berth.
CAHILL: And now it’s showing me a picture of Foghorn Leghorn.
MICROSOFT: Chicken and waffle joint around here somewhere. Rest assured, it ain’t in no suburban shopping mall.
CAHILL: But I was getting hungry.
MICROSOFT: There’s a thousand apps for finding restaurants. First, we have to break you out of the ghetto. (Pointing at the unit) What’s that?
CAHILL: It seems to be an extremely well-dressed older black man.
MICROSOFT: IT’S AL SHARPTON! Step on it!
CAHILL: Now it’s got a red arrow pointing straight ahead.
MICROSOFT: Means there’s a police patrol unit ahead doing racial profiling. It’ll be safe for us. KIller app, huh? Follow the arrow.
CAHILL: You know, we’ve been heading this way for some time now, and the app won’t let me get off at any of the exits.
MICROSOFT: Working perfectly. It’s detected a pawn shop and a check-cashing joint on the same block, a rent-to-own furniture warehouse and a Mercedes-Benz that’s not garaged. All signs of a neighborhood thronging with criminals.
CAHILL: That sign said “Last Exit in United States.” We’re going to be in Tijuana shortly.
MICROSOFT: Hope you brought your passport. (Chuckling) One of those zany hazards of beta testing. Easily fixed. I’ll just make a note to combine the program with our Avoid Mexico app.
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